Hey all, I need some recs on some recipes or products to help my picky and lactose intolerant toddler gain weight. For the second time in her life she’s been diagnosed with FTT (failure to thrive). The first time she was still bottle fed and we were able to just up her formula to get extra calories. Now that she is 2 and doesn’t drink bottles anymore, we are really struggling to get some extra pounds on. She 21 pounds right now and <3rd% for her weight. She’s developing normally and is even ahead in most areas of development.
Here is the issue. She is so damn picky about what she eats and refuses to drink pediasure, which I can’t blame her for since it tastes like a chalk smoothie. She won’t eat red meat, she loves yogurt and cheese but it certainly doesn’t like her. She also would rather have a bunch of small meals or snacks instead of 3 or 4 bigger meals throughout the day. She mainly eats chicken or fish, nuts or nut butters,fruits, and veggies. She isn’t huge on breads unless it’s crunchy and doesn’t like having the same things multiple times a week. She drinks whole fat lactose-free milk and I have tried to mix pediasure in with her milk to no avail.
At school, her teachers say she packs it all in and often has seconds. I have asked for the recipes our chef makes in our food program, but when I make those meals at home (never in the same week as school btw) she won’t eat it!
Can I give her toddler formula mixed with her milk? Does anyone have some recommendations or recipes that I can make with pediasure or a different product? Thanks in advance!!

Race Report
Race Information

• Name: LA Marathon
• Date: March 19, 2023
• Distance: 26.2 miles
• Location: Los Angeles, CA
• Website: https://www.lamarathon.com/pages/la-marathon
• Time: 3:39:42 (8:23 pace) - 29/829 in division (25-29F) - (25F, 107lbs, 5'1)

Official Splits
5k 25:43 8:16/mi
10k 51:18 8:15/mi
15k 1:16:58 8:15/mi
20k 1:42:22 8:14/mi
25k: 2:07:57 8:14/mi
30k 2:34:25 8:17/mi
35k 3:00:55 8:19/mi
40k 3:27:20 8:20/mi
FINISH 3:39:42 8:23/mi
Unofficial Garmin Watch splits:
8:08, 8:20, 8:06, 7:53, 8:29, 8:33, 7:52, 8:20, 8:28, 8:05, 8:06, 8:06, 8:24, 8:18, 7:52, 8:08, 9:17 (stopped at a porto-potty), 7:48, 8:18, 8:17, 8:41, 8:29, 8:34, 8:29, 8:05, 8:21, 8:18
Goals
A Goal: Sub 3:40 - Achieved? Yes
B Goal: Sub 4:00 - Achieved? Yes
C Goal: Finish w/out injury - Achieved? Yes
----
Wowza!
Where to start. Feeling VERY sore today with a few less toenails but hey, we did it. :)
This was my first marathon ever! I fell back in love with running last June (several years ago was on the cross country team in highschool but finally revisited it) and loved the feeling of reaching new goals each week. I built my running base from June 2022-December 2022 and trained from January-March. I had been crying tears of excitement on and off up until race day. I originally signed up and was training for the OC Marathon which is in May, and truly felt that it was too far away and I wanted to run something sooner because I felt ready and eager, so I signed up for the LA marathon too!
Race day couldn't come soon enough, I slept very well leading up to the race (except for the night before the race, didn't sleep one bit) and carb loaded with featherstone nutrition's guide.
I started getting ready around 2am and shuttled over to Dodger Stadium at 4:30am. I fundraised for the marathon so I received special perks like starting in any corral I wanted and I was able to warm up in a cozy tent loaded with snacks etc with the the elite runners.
Found the 3:40 pace group in corral B at 6:30am. Based on my training, I was pretty confident I could run comfortably with this group for the entirety of the marathon. Miles 1-20 flew by!!! I actually could not believe it. Running with a supportive group among 22,000 other runners was such a beautiful experience. I had to stop at a port-potty once around mile 17 and was so thankful I did (pro-tip, carry 2 babywipes with you. this will make your poop-stop efficient as hell.) I was able to catch back up with my pace group after my porto-potty stop which was fantastic. I did not want to lose them. Mile 20-26 were very difficult, however, I never hit a wall. My pace stayed relatively consistent and I felt mentally and physically well the entire time. Despite my tired legs at mile 20, I felt great. I stayed hydrated and fueled with electrolytes the entire time and this was HUGE for me.
The actual course wasn't as hard as I anticipated. I enjoyed the slight downhills and flats, and the hills weren't bad at all. I had heard people say it very hilly but I can really only think of two hills that we encountered, and they went by quickly. It was a beautiful day for a marathon, mid 50's F, overcast, and some minor wind. The hardest part was the out and back from mile 19-26. Ending your marathon on an out and back is ROUGH. I felt like the "out" was never ending! and the "back" was just agony!
Overall I finished with a smile on my face and my hands in the air. My 3:40 pacer was amazing and I certainly could not have gotten a sub 3:40 time without him. He was incredible and encouraging and was constantly looking out for us and cheering us on. Shoutout to Mark!
After finishing I didn't feel as physically horrible as I expected to and genuinely had an incredible time. I showered at my hotel, went to whole foods with my boyfriend (who so lovingly supports me!) and got a kombucha, mac n cheese, and a sandwich. We drove home to San Diego and had ramen for dinner. :)
Today I am hurting and my body is sore in places I didn't even know existed. However, I am so grateful for the experience and am so looking forward to my marathon in May! Running has changed my life in so many beautiful ways and I can't wait to continue reaching new goals! <3

Race Report
Race Information

• Name: LA Marathon
• Date: March 19, 2023
• Distance: 26.2 miles
• Location: Los Angeles, CA
• Website: https://www.lamarathon.com/pages/la-marathon
• Time: 3:39:42 (8:23 pace). 29/829 in division (25-29F) (25F, 107lbs, 5'1)

Official Splits
5k 25:43 8:16/mi
10k 51:18 8:15/mi
15k 1:16:58 8:15/mi
20k 1:42:22 8:14/mi
25k: 2:07:57 8:14/mi
30k 2:34:25 8:17/mi
35k 3:00:55 8:19/mi
40k 3:27:20 8:20/mi
FINISH 3:39:42 8:23.mi
Unofficial Garmin Watch splits:
8:08, 8:20, 8:06, 7:53, 8:29, 8:33, 7:52, 8:20, 8:28, 8:05, 8:06, 8:06, 8:24, 8:18, 7:52, 8:08, 9:17 (stopped at a porto-potty), 7:48, 8:18, 8:17, 8:41, 8:29, 8:34, 8:29, 8:05, 8:21, 8:18
Goals
A Goal: Sub 3:40 - Achieved? Yes
B Goal: Sub 4:00 - Achieved? Yes
C Goal: Finish w/out injury - Achieved? Yes
----
Wowza!
Where to start. Feeling VERY sore today with a few less toenails but hey, we did it. :)
This was my first marathon ever! I fell back in love with running last June (several years ago was on the cross country team in highschool but finally revisited it) and loved the feeling of reaching new goals each week. I built my running base from June 2022-December 2022 and trained from January-March. I had been crying tears of excitement on and off up until race day. I originally signed up and was training for the OC Marathon which is in May, and truly felt that it was too far away and I wanted to run something sooner because I felt ready and eager, so I signed up for the LA marathon too!
Race day couldn't come soon enough, I slept very well leading up to the race (except for the night before the race, didn't sleep one bit) and carb loaded with featherstone nutrition's guide.
I started getting ready around 2am and shuttled over to Dodger Stadium at 4:30am. I fundraised for the marathon so I received special perks like starting in any corral I wanted and I was able to warm up in a cozy tent loaded with snacks etc with the the elite runners.
Found the 3:40 pace group in corral B at 6:30am. Based on my training, I was pretty confident I could run comfortably with this group for the entirety of the marathon. Miles 1-20 flew by!!! I actually could not believe it. Running with a supportive group among 22,000 other runners was such a beautiful experience. I had to stop at a port-potty once around mile 17 and was so thankful I did (pro-tip, carry 2 babywipes with you. this will make your poop-stop efficient as hell.) I was able to catch back up with my pace group after my porto-potty stop which was fantastic. I did not want to lose them. Mile 20-26 were very difficult, however, I never hit a wall. My pace stayed relatively consistent and I felt mentally and physically well the entire time. Despite my tired legs at mile 20, I felt great. I stayed hydrated and fueled with electrolytes the entire time and this was HUGE for me.
The actual course wasn't as hard as I anticipated. I enjoyed the slight downhills and flats, and the hills weren't bad at all. I had heard people say it very hilly but I can really only think of two hills that we encountered, and they went by quickly. It was a beautiful day for a marathon, mid 50's F, overcast, and some minor wind. The hardest part was the out and back from mile 19-26. Ending your marathon on an out and back is ROUGH. I felt like the "out" was never ending! and the "back" was just agony!
Overall I finished with a smile on my face and my hands in the air. My 3:40 pacer was amazing and I certainly could not have gotten a sub 3:40 time without him. He was incredible and encouraging and was constantly looking out for us and cheering us on. Shoutout to Mark!
After finishing I didn't feel as physically horrible as I expected to and genuinely had an incredible time. I showered at my hotel, went to whole foods with my boyfriend (who so lovingly supports me!) and got a kombucha, mac n cheese, and a sandwich. We drove home to San Diego and had ramen for dinner. :)
Today I am hurting and my body is sore in places I didn't even know existed. However, I am so grateful for the experience and am so looking forward to my marathon in May! Running has changed my life in so many beautiful ways and I can't wait to continue reaching new goals! <3

Still looking for that 10/10. Maybe it’s you?
I wanna talk about food, the dumb stuff you did today, our mutual appreciation for rear ends, and why cereal is the best late night snack. I like gin, cool words, watching food network and pretending I can cook, all of the worst movies, and making bread. Tell me something awesome about you, something crazy you've done, play a drinking game with me, or discuss whether a grilled cheese or a taco would win in a fight. Let's hang out and be pals.

I am sharing this in hopes that it could help someone else. I have had a positive ANA for years, really difficult fatigue/brain fog, and bad constipation/stomach issues. I read so many case studies / science on the connection between gut health and your whole immune system and overall health. I realized I needed to fix that system. Here is what I did:
​
- no added sugar in anything
- no processed foods (not crazy strict... like I don't eat cheese its but I'll eat just regular grocery store bread and minimally processed things)
- cut back on probiotics.... they have actually been causing a lot of brain fog I feel like for me. I feel much better off them of it I cut them into halves
-FISH OIL everyday.. I swear by this
-during the first week of my sugar detox, I also was adding oil of oregano drops to my water. naturally kills candida
​
I was only going to do the sugar free thing for 3 weeks to see results and about three weeks in EVERYTHING was so much better that now I am like 3 months in with no autoimmune symptoms.I will be staying off sugar and keeping up on all of these habits.

so i’ve been trying to recover or at least harm reduce since this january, and i’ve been doing good so far, ive gained weight and feel better physically and mentally but recently i had a psych appointment where they put me on abilify for psychotic depression. these meds have made me super nauseous and food averse- almost every form of meat/savory protein(eggs, tofu etc) are incredibly repulsive to me right now and i can’t even make myself swallow a mouthful of them without gagging. i’ve basically been just doing what i can, soups, yogurts, protein shakes, cheese and crackers, cereal, things along those lines but my family is the kind of family where if you don’t have meat on your plate you are lacking protein and starving yourself. their nagging is honestly more triggering than the nausea and food aversion because i don’t know how to make them understand that anything is better than nothing at this point and that i’m not relapsing, i’m actually trying my hardest to still keep a livable intake. i’ve brought it up before but they don’t really get it and i’m just already nauseous and miserable and everything is just hard right now :(

Hi, I'm preparing a large batch of paneer and want to leave the paneer to marinate for maybe 20 minutes at room temperature with no cling wrap or any cover (I cannot put in fridge) but I heard it's possible for botulism or food poisoning/illness to occur in soft cheeses like this if left out too long. I already softened it in boiling water for 15 minutes so I am a bit nervous. I do not want my guests to end up having to go to the hospital because of me. I am sorry if this is a stupid question, I am genuinely worried... all help appreciated thank you

I ordered food via UberEats (England), and ordered a specific burger that contained no allergens for me (simple burger of beef, bacon and cheese, as listed on the restaurant's website). The ingredients were not listed on UberEats, but I specified in the description anyway that I have allergies and to ensure it is only the burger patty, cheese and bacon. Upon its arrival, I took 2 bites and realised I was having an allergic reaction (Severe throat burning, stomach convulsion and cramping, followed by vomiting). After i had taken a tablet, i looked and saw that there was a sauce that appeared to be akin to spicy mayo (something that contains pepper, which i am allergic to) slathered on the inside of the top bun, despite the instructions and contrary to the ingredients list. I filed for a refund under the pretence of it causing harm and ignoring allergen instructions, which has been declined with no reason given. They have threatened to close my account if i file a paypal chargeback, is there any legal action i can threaten, or take, in response to this negligence?

Any nation bests TT.
SHORT TERM, enacted in one year -

1. Make health a right, be it public AND private, in the constitution. Currently only public catered to.
   
   1. Adopt the UNIVERSAL HEALTH SYSTEM – defined as the state covering medical cost. Barbados, Canada, France, UK, Mexico among the adoptors.
2. UHS application to TT – * private doctors and private pharmacy are heavily subsidized to affordable level. Out of pocket is $100 and $20 respectively for citizens. * Remainder, once out of pocket paid by citizens, is given to the doctor and pharmacy quickly by the state.
   

* FREE - $0 dollars up to age 18; are certain categories: ANY chronic medical condition or disabled; retirement age and up; if pregnant or ex inmate.
* Cost management - Government negotiated costs for medicine and procedures – no one place or doctor will charge different from another as government pays fees for citizens. Fees are STRICTLY regulated to keep them affordable and halt overbilling. Fees for all health care services and medicine are set every two years by negotiations between the health ministry and physicians.
* Adopt ideas from number one ranked FRANCE health system.
* Commission a study of foreign health systems and adopt where feasible – such as UK, Singapore, South Korea, Japan, Barbados, Canada, Italy, Israel.

1. Open a MENTAL HEALTH AND LONLINESS MINISTRY – treating school violence, assessing military and police cadets as well as serving officers and serving the public among its missions.
   
2. Priority surgery - all citizens in need of life saving surgery gets all bills paid by government. The state will begin a drive to speed up their care, as in immediately they are found and aided. Should the care not be available locally, expenses for overseas all state borne.
   
3. Establish local medical school for SPECIALIZATION – to be opened in Trinidad to supply a pool of local professionals, SPECIALIZED DOCTORS above GP with little to no need to go abroad, FREE OF CHARGE. Will expand to include other medical and paramedical training.
   
4. Free medical school – for doctors and staff. Any debt is cleared.
   
5. Adopt South Korean national physical examination – every two years citizens AND foreigners travel to a PHYSICAL EXAMINATION CENTER and undergo a series of ROUTINE EXAMINATIONS: blood work, pap smear, x ray, lung function, ECG, kidney and liver function, blood sugar, stomach cancer screen, dental screen, urine and more.
   
6. CDAP & Children’s Life Fund removed – supplanted by Universal Health – state covered cost for ALL citizens of PRIVATE doctors, facilities and pharmacies, so that free or near nil. (CDAP doesn’t cover all medicine and when government supplied medicine is short, private sources can provide)
   
7. Mercy program - Food delivery for those too ill to shop and cook themselves. The state will deliver nutritionist supervised food free of charge.
   
8. Parental aide program – no matter the economic background a new-born’s parents may apply for an assistant from the government, sent to their residence.
   
9. Healthy eating at state institutions – low fat, sugar, cholesterol, diabetic food and drink are only what permitted at ministries and other government institutions extending to vending machines.
   
10. Food, soda and juice tax – a high tax, designed to reduce consumption of SWEETENED BEVERAGES and food of HIGH SUGAR, FAT, CHOLESTEROL, SALT. This policy intervention is an effort to decrease obesity and the health impacts related to being overweight.
    
11. Subsidized low and zero fat, cholesterol and sugar consumption – a preventative medicine measure, foods, drinks and snacks example: chia, almond butter, sourdough bread, Splenda, versions of chocolate and ice cream, Glucerna, whole wheat, so to healthy processed foods are government subsidized 30% thirty percent to help encourage good health - including foreign brands. Trinidad has very high heart disease rate.
    
12. Ban trans fats – restaurants fry food in oil raising health risk from consumed foodstuff. Business will be mandated to use alternatives.
    
13. 30 minutes tops - Prompt care mandatory. Trinidad doctors right now have patients wait HOURS. Must (keep patients waiting not above half an hour) before patients are seen to under pain of automatic suspension.
    
14. DISSOLVED Medical Board - replaced by a more toothy organization – rather separate to ensure independence. Are led by FOREIGNERS not locals. Responsible for investigating and punishing staff and DOCTORS who are rude, deliver service outside 30 minutes, malpractice.
    

​
LONG TERM –

1. Second and third cancer treatment centers established – the St. James one added to. A larger, public facility able to support medical tourism and the next in Tobago.
   
2. Ratio – look into increasing doctor to citizen ratio such that doctors are more numerous than present.
   

​

1. Digital medicine –

* Electronic health record. Health information in a digital format. EHRs can be shared across networks.
* Like France’s VITALE, a DIGITAL SMART CARD replacing paper medical cards.
* Electronic prescribing – defined is the computer-based electronic generation, transmission, and filling of a medical prescription, taking the place of paper prescriptions.
​

1. MULTIPLE hospitals and specilized facilities – only 7 main general hospitals for 1.3 million. Top priority more are constructed.
   
   1. Additional medical services and medical tourism - Introduction locally of SPECIALIZED medical health procedures currently sourced abroad, by constructing relevant facilities. Serving locals and for low price, tourists. A source of foreign exchange.
2. Medical contruction speed – haste a priority to build facilities and infrastructure. To this end foreign construction workers and architects hired for numbers.
   
3. Establishment of a National Primary Angioplasty Network – treats better with heart conditions backed up by CARDIAC CATH devices installed across the nation, a specialized heart treatment facility and public education.
   
4. Medication delivery - for elderly and those too sickly to reach hospital or pharmacy, a medically certified nurse drops it off at their residence.
   
5. Elderly care nursing homes - a series of free STATE OF THE ART nursing homes constructed both islands, complete with internet and dietician. Are physician operated. Care costs 100 percent state borne - including food, lodging, and medical costs. JAPAN’S geriatric home model will be emulated such as Azalee care centers. Mexico also examined. Private existing facilities are from now state covered.
   
6. Elderly housing – any living in rundown conditions can have their abode fixed or granted a new one if fixing the original impractical. State covered.
   
7. Elderly living communities – are communities government builds to house the elderly (infirm younger people additionally).
   
8. Local medicine and equipment made locally – goal a PERCENTAGE of both, so too herbal medicine included, prioritizing the crucial. Factories built for the purpose.
   
9. Diabetes treatment and research hospital - The Diabetic Wellness Center replaced if needed, the new facility staffed by SPECIALIZED diabetic treatment personnel.
   
10. Medical science institutes and labs – Trinidad shall swiftly establish its own MEDICAL RESEARCH arm. _________________
    

French health care: Best in the world? - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGqiNplU2m4

I (26, NB) have taken quite a long time to get over my grandpa's passing away back in 2015. And as of last year, I have come to terms with it. As of this year, I have also come to terms that he was an abusive, controlling, narcissistic, manipulative piece of shit.
My grandpa used to spank me for every little thing that made him mad, even if I didn't know that what I was doing was wrong. The only reason he stopped spanking me was because I eventually grew stronger with time, and his strength faded with age.
My grandpa was severely homophobic. He would go into these fits of rage every time he saw any LGBTQIA+ person on TV, and rant about how they were ruining America. He even made fun of my grandma for watching "Ellen", because Ellen was a lesbian, which prompted my grandma to not watch the show anymore. It was also said that the last time he saw his youngest brother, my grandpa got into a big fight with his youngest brother, because he had come out as gay shortly after their father died. He also threatened to shoot me if I ever came out as LGBTQIA+ when I was 11. Because of this (and my grandma's being a bible thumper, since my grandpa was an atheist), I don't plan on coming out as bisexual until after my grandma dies.
My grandpa was also VERY racist. When I was 6, I had picked up some Spanish from watching "Dora the Explorer", and from playing with other kids my age, who grew up in Spanish-speaking households. When we went to this Mexican buffet, I told the waitress "Thank you" in Spanish, and she actually had a big smile on her face when I thanked her in Spanish. My grandpa was really red in the face. He bent down to my level and whispered aggressively, "Young lady, we do NOT speak Spanish here. This is America. And here in America, we speak ENGLISH. I don't want to hear another word of Spanish come out of your stupid little mouth again." Suffice to say, I've had a tougher time learning Spanish than I did with Japanese.
My grandpa used to look at pretty girls on TV like a lecher. And then every time a gorilla walked on TV on the science channel, he'd point at it and be like, "Hey, look. It's your grandma."
When I was 6, I got into big trouble for bringing an imaginary friend to school. He ended up spanking me for it, and throwing away my favorite VCR tape as a punishment. And then when I was 8, I got spanked for singing "Pancakes, pancakes, eat 'em with a fork" on the school bus.
When I was 6, he yelled at me for telling a boy at Vacation Bible School that I had a big crush on that I wanted to marry him, and embarrassing the boy in the process. He told me off for being "stupid", and that if I did that again, I would be severely punished. This is why I only had 2 crushes during my teen years, and I can't bring up the courage to confess any feelings as an adult.
My grandpa wouldn't let me eat anything with a cartoon mascot when I was growing up, because "only spoiled brats eat those". (He was also diabetic due to the Agent Orange killing his pancreas, so I wasn't allowed to eat anything sugary or anything that appeared in a commercial during a Saturday morning cartoon.) Hence why I have wasted every dollar on any food with a cartoon mascot as an adult, and on Chuck E. Cheese's.
My grandpa often scolded me for getting any B's on my report card, claiming, "You could have gotten all A-pluses. You just don't try hard enough." And when I struggled with math, he'd get mad at me and be all, "This is what happens when you don't pay attention in school, and play stupid games on your stupid Game Boy all day." (I had a PS2 when I was a kid.)
At one point, when I was adamant about not helping him mix the concrete or starting a brush fire, proclaiming, "I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE!" He actually got super pissed, and yelled "GO GET FAT!" while kicking my butt to where I got knocked on the ground. That was the last time he laid his hands on me.
​
When my grandpa died, I was already living with my dad, who had taken full custody of me the year before. And living with my dad was just as hellish as living with my grandparents.
At first, I'd go into big bouts of depression, because I missed him greatly, and because my grandma was super miserable without him. But over time, and especially this year, I eventually came to my senses, and realized that my grandpa was an abusive prick, and that my grandma was just as bad for allowing him to abuse me like he did, just because it was "how he was raised".
Coming to those terms has brought me a lot of peace of mind, and has strengthened my resolve to move out as soon as possible.
As soon as I move out of my uncle and aunt's place, and get my cat from my grandma, I'm going limited contact with her, keeping in contact only through Facebook messenger, and only visiting twice a year, such as for Christmas and the Family Reunion held every second Sunday of July.

I want to just write and write about my life. I just need to write out my reason for staying away from the green doldrums.
This semester I had been smoking heavily. This was the normal day in my life before the mysterious forces of sobriety offered me a rope to guide myself out of this blizzard of confusion:
I wake up in the mornings in a cold bed, in an oppressively dark room, usually to my roommates alarm which he rudely takes several minutes to shut off. My head felt thick. The skin around my eyes squishy and sore. My face bloated from the salty foods and my stomach turning from the sugary candy I gorged on from the munchies. My lower back feels tight from the awkward position I was sitting in watching movies the night before. My mouth is dry as cotton from sleeping with it open. I can smell the disgusting semen odor wafting from the rag on the floor, and suddenly I remember the dehumanizing porn I was watching last night.
The alarm stopped bleating but now my obnoxious roommate takes up that role, starting a loud voice call with his friends at 9:30am. I just needed one more hour.
I am suffering. I tell myself this is the day I'm going to end it. This is the day I cut this cruel joke of a life short. I cant keep falling into this cycle.
Eventually my mind regains a fraction of its lucidity and I crawl to my desk to pour up an unhealthy amount of caffeine. Usually 320-480mg in one cup. I turn on my headphones to almost the max just to drown out the incessant laughter and screaming of my discord bound roommate.
I sit hunched over at my desk lazily scrolling through Instagram, taking a sip of the earthy brown brew every now and again. I hate these people. The brightly colored out of touch ads. The plastic fakeness of media influencers shamelessly clawing to the top. I hate the violence being glorified and the weak and stupid being worshipped. But I cant stop the endless swipe of my thumb.
After about 30 minutes, the music starts sounding better and its as if a mop scrubs my brain clean of the filth of last night. But this isn't real either. Its an artificial mania to numb the reality of my life. It gives me the motivation where nihilism would sit atop the perch of my brain. Its just another drug to cut the withdrawals of the last. I beg my body to stop this cruel joke.
Usually at this point I will either go to the gym in an anxious rage or wait around a bit before my classes start.
After the gym I feel drained and somewhat guilty of having to get so hyped up just to move iron around.
After my classes I feel stupid, unworthy even, compared to the smart bright lights around me in my engineering courses. I feel like a reject, slower than the others, less ready to talk. I hate them because they are what I should be. I love them because they remind me of who I should be.
Drained, exhausted, and even more depressed by the day I trudged through, I rush home. My roommate has burned his dinner again, filling the dingy apartment with a sickening charred chess odor. I. Hate. Him.
I make a sad attempt at homework and studying. I give up about halfway through and chegg my way to an early end of my assignments. Once again I must turn up my headset to an uncomfortably loud level to drown out his laughter, screaming, and the mind numbing
BUM BUM...BUM BUM BUM....BUMMMMMM
Of his new speaker's bass. I feel a cold sweat run down my back as I take out the little glass container of THC oil. This cart is probably fake. No it's definitely fake. I should maybe just toss it aside tonight, I can do this.
I take off my headset and hear another roar of laughter rip through the apartment. I crank the music in my headset up again, put the cart's mouthpiece to my lips and take a deep drag.
I exhale and its instant. Suddenly the constant talking and laughter is just a part of life, man. My life's not that bad. (is it weird that now that I write this out my palms are starting to sweat and I want to go buy another cart?).
I'll then spend the rest of the night eating an exorbitant amount of food delivery and playing mindless video games. Before I know it, its 1am and the apartment is quiet. I usually stimulate myself to more dehumanizing and frankly disgusting pornography while in a haze of green apathy.
This is sometimes the worst part. After the deed is done the high comes down some. The crushing, stifling, nauseating, maddening, cruel loneliness sets its claws to my stomach again. I wish I could just have a woman to see the world with. I want to leave all this behind. I just want to feel love, not frantic pleasure, for once.
I then lay on my bed as a flurry of dark thoughts fly by. Ill smoke some more, and then drift off into a dreamless, but not deep, sleep.
I wake up and the joke is played on me again.
​
As of today I'm 15 days clean. I just came back from a very emotional yet beautiful spring break in Florida with my family where I made an effort to reconnect with my parents. It was quite possibly the best time in my life of the past 3 years. I had no desire to get high at all. The sun works magic on the ailments of the mind.
I broke down crying often while in withdrawal. It was a surprisingly brutal process. The withdrawals for weed are shrugged off by too many. I felt manic for the first week, some days just going cold turkey on coffee because I was so artificially wired out of my mind that I didn't need it.
I ranted for almost an hour straight sometimes to parents and friends about topics I didn't really even care about.
But with the mania came the anger. I sometimes felt so brutally red hot enraged that it genuinely scared me. I felt out of control, completely out of control to the point where I would have to take a cold shower and meditate just to reduce the mysterious rage. A rapid, almost murderous, fury would set upon me at the slightest remark from a friend or even a harmless glance from a stranger walking toward me on the street. I hated feeling like that. Thank god I managed to ride it out like a sane human being.
​
But here I am. Back in this grey and depressing graveyard of a campus. I can hear the bass of my roommates speakers and his shrill laughter. I'm starting to crave it again. I think I might just live at home for the remaining few weeks of the semester and drive up to this place to show up for in person exams. I can watch lectures and study from my childhood home just fine. I no longer wish to prove myself as some independent loner grinding out his degree. I need family and socialization and that's ok.
Anyways, I think now I realize I'm writing all of this out just to let someone out there in a similar situation know that they are at least not totally alone in these types of problems.
Maybe it would even help to know that at one point I was a popular and happy human being with a tight network of friends and outstanding highschool grades. Its not just the "losers" of society who fall into the trap of isolation and drugs.
I'm going to go cook or maybe go shop for food. Then afterwards study a few physics problems and read my favorite book to sleep. That's nice. I like making comfortable schedules.
​
Keep clinging to the rope of sobriety in this madness.

Brother Proof has returned to his duties! More below.
​
Maxwell,
The Road, Dwarven Kingdom of Hasandri.
14th of Anael, First month of Snow.
2290 years since the New Gods came.
Bri asked me about the family finances today... Finances...Money... I told her it wouldn't be a problem. She told me that I snore (I do NOT snore. The hell you don't!) and that if I didn't want her to make an issue of it, I needed to come clean. I came clean this evening. I showed her some of the contents of the trunk. There will be a peaceful tent tonight.
Brianna,
14th of Anael,
I had a “wonderful” chat with Maxie today during our lunch break about the family finances. I explained about my dowry, and how it was meant to set up a proper household (and that I didn't expect to use it for another fifty or so years), but also that I was concerned about how we were going to pay our expenses on this holiday trip. He looked at me like a mouse caught stealing the cheese, and said “Don't worry about it. We are good on that.”
I felt that I needed to press my case, as I have been properly taught to manage a household, and he hasn't. Brandy and the god Bjorn (may he live forever) both told me in confidence that Maxie is a bit of a spendthrift at times. He is apparently an excellent businessman, but when between businesses he spends money like water over the waterfall.
I pressed my case, and pointed out the occasional wasteful bits of spending here and there, and he laughed! I NEVER! He did eventually apologize, but still. I then threatened to publicly mock his snoring. He eventually caved and promised to lay it all out for me in the evening.
He showed me his battered trunk this evening. I am...dumbstruck. It is an ancient chest of holding. For a simple box that is 2' x 2' x 3' in size, it holds a rooms worth of goods. Mostly tools of his various trades; but also enough magical weapons and armor to outfit a platoon; potions of healing and mana recovery; gold enough to buy a royal palace; and an untold number of jewels and jewelry. Then there was the collection of more than a dozen items pilfered from the temples of various current and previous gods. I liked the little miniature statues of people in the strange, and brightly colored, clothing; they were painted in such a lifelike way.
I believe we are more than “good” on the financial side of things. Did I mention the racks of clothing? They are worth more than a kings ransom. Maxie made them ALL himself. I don't think we will need to hire a seamstress once we settle down.
Maxwell
18th of Anael,
Bri shot a stag today. Good clean heart shot. Good food tonight. Snow is getting thick. We have made it out of the mountains proper. Our speed should increase to around forty miles in a day tomorrow. Should only take us seven days to make the next trade city, Littledate.
Maxwell,
22nd of Anael,
Bandits. Idiots. At least some had the sense to run. Bri got two with her bow from worg-back, Then slaughtered several more with her curved saber. I will need to remember not to get into a real fight with her. I would win, eventually, but at what cost? English got one with a ball of flame, then cast several defensive spells on the rest of our group. I don't know how many Magni got, but he had a fair amount of loot when he got back, and some horses. Nomvula was covered in blood and smiling about “Putting it to the English”.
When you're hungry horse is good eating.
Brianna,
22nd of Anael,
I agree with Maxie, I dislike bandits.
- - -
The bandits had blocked the road with a pair of large trees, and stood behind the barrier with crossbows displayed in a threatening manner. They balked slightly when the travelers they had sighted came up slowly on worgs, but they had faced a few smaller packs (what they thought were packs) and come out on top. Two shouldered their crossbows as their leader started to talk.
“If you value your liv---” The leader's throat sprouted an arrow, and Bri loaded another arrow and fired. One of the prepared bowmen went down. The second bowman caught a ball of fire to the chest and fell, smoke billowing from the hole.
“Charge!” Bri yelled, digging her heels into her worg, and the combat commenced in earnest. Chester 'The English' Grants started chanting shielding spells, and directing their placement on his comrades, Nomvula jumped from her mount, rolled forward under a downed tree, and ran a bandit through with her spear, laughing all the way. Magni cartwheeled around the side of the blockade and threw a dagger into the eye of his nearest opponent.
Some of the surprised bandits tried to route, dropping their gear and fleeing into the forest. Most stood and fought, and died for their trouble. Bri entered into the melee, swinging her saber down and across, cutting the bandits from above as her mount jumped from place to place savaging all around with it's teeth. One of the bandits made a solid strike with his spear into her side. The spear broke on the magical shield Chester had cast. Brianna removed the shocked bandits head.
Nomvula brought her shield to the front, and stood taunting the bandits, “What's wrong English? Scared of a little girl?”
A bandit brought a large sword down at her, and she blocked it with her shield, then ran him through with her spear. She cackled, “Who's next?” She pointed at a random bandit with her spear, “You?” She lunged at the bandit next to the one she had pointed at, and planted the spear in his guts, then she twisted it before pulling it out. “Next?”
Magni ducked, rolled, and cartwheeled his way through the bandits as they tried to flee the field of battle. Using a long bladed carving knife in each hand he targeted ankles, wrists, and more than once the inner thigh of the bandits. He occasionally giggled to himself as a form of battle madness settled over him. At one point he misjudged a strike and a knife got stuck in bone, so he grabbed a blade from a fallen bandit. A knife that oozed green fluid along the blade. When he had finished off the fleeing men, he stopped for a while to calm down, and then searched the bandits and their makeshift camp.
- - -
Maxwell,
24th of Anael,
Around midday tomorrow we should reach Littledate. The lowlands are still green in spots, but mostly brown. At least the cold isn't too bad as of yet.
Brianna,
25th of Anael,
The town guard balked at the worgs being allowed into the city. I had words with them, just as mother taught. We got in. Shopping for a group this small is relatively easy, as compared to the lords household I was placed in charge of in my thirties. We now have proper equipment for the snow; provisions for three weeks, including food for the worgs; proper updated maps; and other sundries, such as a “wand of cleanse”. Men. How do they survive their own smell?
Maxwell,
26th of Anael,
Brianna is a wonder, and terror, when she shops. I would hazard that ninety percent of what she purchased, she got at less than retail. We left the comparative safety of the city at dawn. Another forty miles under foot. About 2540 miles to Demonia; 63 days. I hope they can hold out that long. I feel myself being dragged that direction, and I don't like that. Feels too much like being a “Hero”.
I need to figure out how to go faster. Faster...
Maxwell,
28th of Anael,
Chester and I have been talking for the last couple days about the theory of magic, as it pertains to making us travel faster. This evening he told me that he found a spell in one of my tomes that might help. He said he will need a few days to learn and practice the spell. I have no choice but to trust him as my magic revolves around the forge, enchanting, and the woods.
Brianna,
28th of Anael,
Maxie is afraid. He worries at night, and doesn't sleep enough. When he does sleep, he has nightmares. He refuses to talk about it, except in the most vague terms. Something about people burning and screaming his name.
Brianna,
29th of Anael, Morning,
Maxie has disappeared. He was in the tent with me last night. This morning everyone was awakened by him screaming. I tore down the sheet we hang between our cots, and he was gone. Brandywine is...very angry about this development, and is yelling at the one-eyed cat; it's not like the poor creature can understand what she's say--- Oh. Oh my.
​
Original - First - Previous - Next
*-*-*
With the weather showing a bit more sun, my mental health is improving! Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy. I hope y'all are enjoying the perspective of Brianna. I am trying to make her seem/write like a Victorian era noble woman. Am I hitting that mark? What do i need to improve?
The raffle is going well. I have the new computer lined up. A Dell XPS desktop (please don't diss me too badly in the comments; they were the only ones that would give me the customization (and payments) I require). I finished this chapter off last night, and the next chapter is almost half done today! Maybe I will actually get a backlog going?!? (Probably not, my ADHD makes me kinda 'lazy' without a deadline looming over my shoulder.)
A special "Thank you" to all my donors! Without you I would probably given this project up. And I promise (really I do!) there will be new items in the store this week.
Anywho, time to shake the donation box.
Shakes donation box:
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Hey Mods, hope this okay but if not please let me know how to fix and I will repost.
First off all I flew from Toronto Canada to Zermatt Friday March 17th. Getting to Zermatt with skis is a pain and while easily doable I suggest renting if its in your budget. We had three pairs of skis in one Rossignol bag. They where 88, 93 and 96 under foot. This made for a very heavy bag and we needed to take two train transfers and moving our luggage and skis was brutal but again doable if you are on a budget. Just make sure you have a team (I had my wife and kiddo and my friend and his wife and their 2 kiddos). Our fiends had two more ski bags and luggage. All trains are equipped to transport your stuff but look for the train with the "bike" symbol.
Once you get to Zermatt its absolutely incredible, the town, the vide etc....make sure you have your reservation for dining booked for the first night or else you will be eating Pizza by the train station like we did. Even though the service there was one of the worst I have seen the pizza was incredible.
Skiing in Zermatt is just awesome. Yes the snow kind of sucks compare to NA but the scenery, the food and apres more than make up for it. The cost though is insane so we ate breakfast at the hotel and then ate a beautiful meal at lunch of dinner and then ate some baguettes and ham/cheese, olives, pates etc....with wine in the evenings.
Apres is a must you cannot skip this. Its not about being shitfaced as we are in our 40s with kids. Our kids are 15, 16, 17. Might seem like we are bad parents no one gives a shit about drinking age in Switzerland and our kids were drinking (lightly) in our presence and no one said a thing. My 15 year old loved the Lemoncello and the atmosphere.
Restaurants. OMG where do I start. We ate at Chez Vrony x 2, Zum See, Restaurant Batten and Osteria Bella Italia. All superb. All 5 stars in our opinion. None of them cheap. Chez Vrony was the top of all of these IMO. The only place that sucked (big time) was Hornex which was on our hotel the Alpen. I should mention the Alpen Hotel was absolutely perfect but the restaurant was not. I won't mention the pizza place as the service is so bad its laughable but the pizza was in fact terrific but it was like we were bothering them by coming in. LOL
I think that is it for now. I will edit as I think of other things I maybe have forgotten. I would like to thank the group for giving us so much advice.
Also forgive the spelling and grammar. I am on the Irish whiskey from duty free to relax while I think of my amazing family trip!!!!

Hello. For reference, My older sister, Ann, is 18, I’m 17F, we have another sibling Cam who is 13, and then our brother Bob is 10.
Ann has always been extremely picky with food. As kids, she never ate vegetables, and it was a constant battle between her and my parents. She would throw out her vegetables every night. She still orders off the kids’ menu at restaurants. Me and Cam are not as picky, we still have foods we don’t like but it’s not as crazy. We can attend family dinners without any issue. Then, when Bob came along, my parents had given up. They fought with him for 8 years, but they eventually gave up on Ann and Bob, and just let them eat whatever they want. Bob can be kind of spoiled sometimes with no consequences for bad grades, and it can get annoying when he throws tantrums, and Ann always says he’s really annoying.
I cook dinner once a week because I like trying recipes, and I always have to make a separate meal. Bob won’t eat anything with cheese, eggs, or bread, Ann won’t eat meat, rice, most vegetables, or anything with “sauce”(she isn’t vegetarian, it’s a day-to-day basis and we have to guess if she doesn’t like meat that day), so no salad, soup, pasta, etc. I have to make them a separate meal of plain noodles.
Today we had fish. I can tolerate many things, fish isn’t one of them. I’ll usually eat it, though. I’m working on overcoming my dislike, but I’m not there yet. So, Cam, my parents and I all had fish, Ann and Bob had plain noodles. I ate some fish, but after deciding I really did not like it, I asked if I could please have some noodles. To clarify, I’d be fine not eating that much because I believe making a separate meal is too hard on my parents, but since the noodles were gonna be there anyway, I decided I might as well.
They refused to share, stating I had other food. I was frustrated; why do they get to avoid food they don’t like and Cam and I don’t? Especially since Cam and I cook once a week each, we know it’s frustrating to have to make them a separate food, and we can’t benefit from it when we want to. We’re held to completely different standards than them. After some back and forth, I said to Ann: “don’t act all high and mighty compared to Bob, you get spoiled just as much as he does. Cam and I have enough respect to eat what’s in front of us without making mom and dad make us a separate meal every night.”
A got very upset and isn’t talking to me, and honestly, I could be wrong. I see how it could be hypocritical, so I wanted a judgement from y’all. AITA?
EDIT: To clarify, I called Ann spoiled because she insists that Bob is the most spoiled person in the family. It was just me saying that she was spoiled too, not just him.

Chapter 1:
Jerry Brenson was having a hard time not getting pissed off at the way the car kept jerking around, making it damn near impossible to roll his tightly held cigarette. What a piece of shit it was anyways, it looked like the cross between an impregnated white pill and a scarecrow with all its frayed edges of tobacco poking out like straw.
"Would you stop driving like a goddamn animal!" he bellowed at the driver. Then he resumed his work on unraveling the piece of shit and evening everything out. The tip of Brenson's tongue stuck out of his mouth as he worked at it. Within a few seconds the passenger side front tire plunged into a half-foot pothole and Brenson's jaw clenched shut on that tender red meat sticking out of his face. In an instant it resembled a tiny pink balloon swelling up and getting ready to pop.
"FUCK!" Brenson screamed after a long second of seething white pain, which was now commencing to roll like waves through the bottom of his jaw, and somehow up into his fucking forehead! Before he had time to return from the moments that threw his whole being into a chaos of agony, he knew with dreadful certainty that he had bit off a chunk of his tongue. He would see it there if he opened his eyes and looked down. And with that, an image of a huge bulging red thing on the floor that was flopping around like a decapitated fish came to him. With wide eyes that seemed to burst open like fireworks, both hands flew to his mouth so that Brenson suddenly looked like a little girl getting the best birthday present of her life.
And then, hallelujah, he thinks, praise Jesus, God, the Buddha, anyone and anything that saved his precious tongue. It was still there. Hurt like hell but it was still there. He looked around on the floor in a sudden surge of paranoia (maybe a part of it really was down there) and to his blessed relief the only thing he saw were a pair of work boots stuffed onto his oafishly large feet.
All of this occurred in about 3 seconds, after which Brenson's brow contorted into a fierce angle of rage, and a powerful sense of the injustice and incompetence and of all the damned stupid negligent habits of this buffoon of a partner settled on him. He turned to the driver and smacked Dale Enrsten upside the head.
"Ouch!" Dale wailed in his deep Mississippi drawl. The car swerved to the left when Dale's arm instinctively went up to protect his face. "What the hell was that for?" He asked stupidly.
"For nearly getting my tongue bit off asshole. Now drive."
Dale returned a frown towards Brenson, and tried as he may to appear the least bit intimidating, Dale looked more comical than anything. There was something about his fat head and thin brown hair on a receded hairline that gave the air of an overly large boy preparing for boarding school.
Dale turned back to the road and decided that what would cheer him up would be a couple of chili dogs, add the cheese please, with a bud light and a pack of skittles. There ought to be a gas station in the next mile or so, god knows when the last time they saw one passing through this shit hole was. He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a smoke, no two smokes, then handed one over to Brenson.
"My apologies captain. This road's covered in more potholes than your mom's vagina."
Dale cackled out a wheezing laugh and then lit up his smoke. He puffed out a large plume of white smoke that was torn away by the passing air out Dale's open window. He looked out that window, and glanced nervously at all the red stone. Their surfaces were inundated with marbled cracks. Every so often he'd see a pale bush growing between a couple of rocks. They looked more like skeletons than plants. Yes it was true, Dale Ernsted hated the desert. He hated all deserts. They made him feel like a clock was always ticking, and when it went to zero baby, oh my oh my, Dale baby if you’re out here, you gonna be fish food. Well not out here I wont, he retorts back to his own morbid fantasy, more liable to be lizard food, or coyote. Yeah, that's right, Dale thinks there probably are coyotes out here, and if the car broke down, well not a lot to eat out here but a couple of dehydrated dying men. What would be a better treat for a pack of hungry canines?
And following this train of thought Dale wonders what it would be like if Brenson and he really were surrounded by a pack of coyotes, how many would it take, maybe five? Six? Would Dale watch Brenson go first, or would it be Dale who Brenson catches a glimpse of getting his arm torn off from the shoulders down when the wolves begin demanding his own full attention. Look at that, now they turned into wolves. He didn’t think there were wolves out here. His expression changes into a frown of contemplation.
"Are you listening to me?" Dale hears Brenson angrily ask. The wolves go away. He realizes Brenson had asked him something.
"What's that?"
"Find a place to pull over I need to take a leak"
Dale's small eyes dart around at the escarpment and mesas and the fine layer of brown dirt swirling over the two-lane highway.
"No, I think there's a gas station up a bit. Not too much farther now."
Dale doesn't say anything else. He turns the knob on the radio until Bon Jovi is playing We’re Not Gonna Take It, and guns the Camry down the long stretch of desolate waste before them.
The desert sun was lowering in the west, making the car’s long shadow race ahead of them. By the time they see the dusty gas station with a white roof and big red letters painted on a discolored sign reading QuikStop, the sun was almost touching the horizon and Brenson had to pee like a mad horse. One or two stars could be seen faintly wavering in the turbulent purple sky fading into black.
Dale pulled up to a gas pump and he and Brenson got out of the car.
“Well” Brenson stretched out the word just as he was stretching out his back, leaning heavily into it with his arms on his hips, “Give me the money and I’ll get some food and beer. You get the gas”.
Dale reached into his pocket and pulled out a twenty.
“Two cheese chili dogs and skittles” he said miserably. Brenson did a quick nod and walked off.
Dale found that he wasn’t doing anything but standing there watching Brenson walk closer to the gas station when the thought popped into his head: you know I think might kill that fuck, yeah I might. And then he turned around as if it was just a cloud passing by.
He was listening to the gulping sounds of gasoline filling up his tank when he saw a white toyota pull up and park on the side of the gas station near the ice chest and propane tanks. There were two people in the car. They looked like Mexicans to Dale. A man and woman. They got out of the car, shut the doors, walked around the corner, and entered the gas station. Dale wasn’t particularly interested in them but then something caught his eye. He thought he saw movement in the backseat of the toyota.
There it was again.
He realized it was a child.
It was a girl with long brown hair tied up in a ponytail. A little Mexican girl. Kids shouldn't be left in a hot car all alone he thinks righteously. But what should he expect from these people? Look at that piece of shit rig. He realized again that he was in a trance, staring angrily at the back of the Toyota.
Dale's eyes surveyed from the Toyota to the gas station entrance. The glare of the sun reflected everything outside so it was impossible to see in through the windows. Then something inside him went on autopilot. He had something to do he realized, and he had to do it fast.
He fastened the nozzle back onto the pump and briskly walked over to the white Toyota. His heart began racing. He peered in at the girl in the backseat. No one else was in there. She was wearing a blue tank top and black shorts. There was a doll, something from a disney cartoon in her hands, Dale insanely thinks, but is barely aware of any of these thoughts as the door of the Toyota slowly opens up and the girl turns her head away from her doll, up towards her mama with a smile, and sees Dale’s huge head lurching in like a troll plucking a princess from a tower.
Her face shrivels into a scream but before she can let out the breath, Dale’s meaty hands are over her mouth, and without any effort he pulls her out of the car and clutches her entire body in a bear hug. There's a heart pounding moment when she sounds like a grunting dog struggling in a trap and he knows her scream will escape from his sweaty armpit. Then there's an instant of pure lucid absurdity where he seemed to see himself from the outside. What would the girl's parents do if they walked around the corner right now? He couldn’t just put her back in there and go about pumping gas again could he? Oh I'm just ole friendly Dale giving your girl here a nice good hug cuz I could hear her cryin' for mommy.
Then he kicks the Toyotas door shut for god knows why and scrambles to his car. He hustles to the trunk, realizes the switch is up front, and skids to his knees at the driver's side door. He’s pressing the girl so hard against his chest he can almost feel her head bouncing off his beating heart.
Then he hears the satisfying click of the trunk unlocking, and with surprising speed he places the girl in the bed of the trunk, takes a bandana out from his back pocket and ties it like a rope around her mouth. The girl’s eyes, shaking with terror, watch grimly as the troll closes out the darkening sky with a metallic clink.
Then Dale jumps into the driver's seat, turns on the engine, and cranks up the radio. Another song by dear old Bon Jovi by god! Dale feel’s exhilarated. He doesn't even know it yet. All he knows is this music sounds better than anything he’s ever heard before, and why wouldn’t you look at that, he’s not even sore with Brenson anymore for slapping him in the face earlier. He can’t wait to have a beer! And there's ole Bren heading back towards the Camry now.
But then Dale realizes with a jolt of panic, the parents! The girl’s parents are going to be out any minute! With the mother of all anxiety attacks Dale’s car speeds towards Brenson as he walks out of the gas station at a magnitude that probably made Brenson think oh fuck I’m going to die by the look on his face, but Dale’s car screeched to a halt just a few feet away.
“What the fuck’s that about” Brenson sneered. The sneer was more one of habit than anything else as Brenson was so surprised that there wasn’t really room for anything else. His arms were full of supplies and he almost dropped them all over the ground.
“Get in now!” Dale yelled. He reached his arm over and threw open the passenger door. Brenson sat down and before he could shut the door, Dale shut it himself by accelerating in a curve out the gas station parking lot, and wouldn’t you know it, he didn’t even use his turning signals when he brought the Camry onto the highway and raced into the black eastern sky.
Chapter 2:
“Jesus man, you think I robbed the place?”. Brenson was unsure what had gotten into him. “Shut up for a minute. Give me a beer”.
Brenson had never seen Dale so serious. The man’s face looked like a machine. His thin lips were pressed so tightly you could barely see them. And he was scowling at the road. His eyes kept bouncing to the rearview mirror. Brenson could see beads of sweat rolling over Dale's pockmarked forehead. And the odometer was reading 95 mph. He sure as hell hoped he wouldn’t suddenly get another dose of Dale’s special potholes. He made sure his tongue was planted firmly on the roof of his mouth and his seat was buckled.
“Uh Dale..are you alright there partner?” Brenson asked.
“You seem like somethin just bit you in the ass.”
Dale guzzled down his bud light, burped and wiped his mouth, then reached for another one. After he cracked it open and took a good long gulp, he bellowed “Wooo! Lordy..oh yeah” He was heaving deep breaths between each word. Then his gaze turned away from the road and locked with Brenson's eyes.
“Pal, when you were over in that gas station there..” he paused and glanced towards the backseat of the car as if someone were sitting back there. He couldn’t keep it hidden from Brenson now could he? They had 100 miles left to drive.
Brenson looked back and then over at Dale again.
“ain't quite sure how to say this", the look on Dale's screwed up face as he thought about what to say next made Brenson think of a large boy again, one that was trying to work out a hard math problem like how much his groceries would cost.
"I may have picked up a passenger,” Dale finally said.
“What?” That came out of left field and Brenson didn't know what it meant.
“I just kind of..took her” he said this last as if Dale himself was surprised at what he was saying.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Brenson was getting a sick feeling. What fuckup did Dale just get him into now? He knew Dale liked cats and sometimes he would take them off the streets or out of people's yards if he liked how they looked. And he knew Dale had about 9 cats stuffed away in his trailer, but Brenson wasn't hearing any meows coming out of the back seat now was he? And Dale's eyes were looking at something far away, unfocused on something so far away like Venus.
And then Brenson noticed a muffled sound like there was a load of groceries rolling to the side in the trunk as Dale took them around a tight bend. For just a moment he was worried that maybe he had put the beer back there and it was gonna get all fizzy, but then he remembered the beer in his hand and the rest on the floor by his feet near that imaginary chunk of meat flapping around down there. He felt the tip of his tongue and took a swig.
"What the fuck did you do" Brenson remembered the two Mexicans that walked into that gas station. He had eyes on them the whole time.
“Dale?” Brenson asked with a looming understanding that sped towards him like a Mack truck. Dale had done something magnanimously fucked up.
“What the fuck did you do!”
“She was boiling back there!” Dale pleaded. He was an eight year old child again, explaining to an angry stepmom why she had found a drowned cat in the bathtub. He didn’t have any choice, it had bit him and that was not okay, that was not okay by any standards of civilized man. What else could he do?
“Dale!”
“I saved her Bren!”
They were both yelling now.
“She was gonna be dead back there! You saw those mexis didn’t you?”
“Pull over!” Brenson demanded.
“No.”
“Pull over now!”
Dale kept on speeding. The odometer read 105. To Brenson it felt like the flimsy car could at any moment flip over a hundred times if the slightest gust of wind brushed against them.
“Pull over right fucking now or I’ll beat the shit out you right here!”
Brenson’s fists were clenched into a barb of hairy knuckles. He was really going to do it Dale observed, and then they’d both be piles of scrap strewn all over the road.
Dale gave a defeated sigh and took his foot off the accelerator. He was going to have to show Bren one way or another. They were already miles past that shit hole station anyways. What the hell. The Camry disengaged from warp speed and soon Brenson could hear the crinkle of gravel under the tires as the Camry pulled off onto the shoulder.
Outside the night was as silent as the land was empty. A brilliant splash of stars painted the canopy of the sky in a way that gave Dale a cosmic sense of his own importance. He shuffled over to the back with Bren, a disappointed look of guilt was likewise splashed across his face, why no mah, I’m not the one that drowned Muffin, but ya know, she wouldn’t stop biting. But Dale remembered the feeling of her slick fur bunched up between his fingers and the way her intricately delicate neck felt like so many scrawny bones. A jolt of disgust seemed to roll through him like a shockwave and he tried to shake off the memory of that limp cat as fast as possible.
Then that cave of darkness opened up and it was nighttime outside, and the girl saw with a cold panic that made her cry that there were two trolls looming over her now. They were both huge and disgusting. The one on the left looked like a giant baby with patches of wiry fur in tufts up and down its neck and chin. Its teeth were yellowed and it was smoking a cigarette. She didn't like how it was eyeing her, like she was some kind of precious crystal that it wanted badly.
The other was just as big, not as fat though, more muscular. He had a mop of scraggly black hair and a full beard covering the mouth. He looked like a biker. And he looked like he was really mad at her. She heard herself crying.
"Mamá" She tried squeaking through the rope. "Donde mi mamá"
And then, no, no please, everything was getting dark again. She howled and squirmed but the lid of the trunk did not care.
Brenson was biting his bottom lip. He was supremely pissed off now. What the fuck was this lunatic thinking! He looked at Dale and was about to begin a royal case of pummeling his fat ass into the ground for getting Bren caught up in this bullshit, lord knows he's had a clean record apart from a mild six months in Kentucky State Penitentiary when he was twenty two years old. And this asshole, this stupid fat asshole made him an accomplice to whatever crazy bullshit was flying around in that fat fucking head of his!
But Bren noticed that far away in the direction they had come were a pair of tiny headlights. They were heading this way.
Instead of beating Dale into a mess worthy of the crime of getting Bren caught up in kidnapping charges, he said "Lets get the fuck out of here". And then jumped back into his seat, slamming the door.
"Come on!" He yelled out when he saw that Dale was still standing on the side of the road like an idiot. Dale hurried up, revved on the engine, and the Camry was back on the highway doing 92 mph. Bren cracked open another beer and drank the whole thing in one go. He didn’t complain about the speed.
Chapter 3:
It was about two in the morning when they pulled up to Bren’s trailer. Bren got out and walked around to Dale’s side. He was mildly drunk. Bren put his hands on his knees and bent down as if he was going to say something to Dale, but in the end he turned around and left without saying anything. He was too pissed off.
“See you in the morning.” Dale called out after him in an annoyingly loud voice, but Bren didn’t turn around. His thin white door shut loudly and Dale pulled away and drove off to his own trailer at the end of the gravel road.
At this point he had a conundrum on his hands. He had to get the girl inside without her making a lot of noise. And then once inside..what? Tie her up? Keep her in his bathroom? It’s not like he had a basement to put her in. And what the fuck was he doing anyways? His hand reached for his forehead. He was thinking. Then he unlocked the trunk and when the dim light in the trunk came on he saw with stabbing horror that the girl was dead.
“NO!” He shouted at her as if it were her fault.
"Oh dear Jesus no!”
He felt like he was about to cry. It was the cat all over again. He really didn’t want to kill it. But then he saw the rhythm of her small diaphragm. She was sleeping. Dale oh dale oh dale, what are you doing?
He wiped the sweat off his brow, then reached in and picked her up. She weighed about as much as a pillow, and when Dale opened the door of his trailer, a cat seemed to catapult itself outside making him trip over his own feet. "Shit! Henry!" He gave an involuntary yell over his shoulder when he saw which one did it. Then, understanding that he totally did not have anything under control, he stopped in his doorway and simply stood there with the little girl cradled in his arms. She felt warm. His girl. Yeah, that sounded right. It was his girl now. His little Mexican girl.
A few more hungry cats came out of the shadows begging for food. He shushed them and kicked his leg around without putting any real effort into it just to make them go away.
He had to secure his girl.
But how was he going to get any sleep tonight? He had to be absolutely sure that she could not get away. Then as he was walking in, thinking about how he would tie her up (he did have some duct tape, rope, maybe some wire ties..oh but he didn't want to hurt her wrists), he felt a sudden uneasiness about Brenson. Did Dale think he'd go to the cops? Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut and the music loud. He should have slowed down when Bren asked and he should have… Wait, just wait one cotton pickin minute Dale, he says to himself. The girl. The girl first, then Bren. Maybe Bren was still awake and he'd pay him a little visit, have a little chat just to make sure they were square, just to see if everything was cool, but only after he was sure the girl could not escape.
But should he actually leave her alone?
"Get moving!" he said to himself. And then walked into the back of the trailer where he kept a tool shed. The girl was still sleeping in his arms. Whatever nightmares she could possibly be having, would she really want to wake up?
He chose duct tape, the principle reason being it was easiest to reach while clutching a small human being. And although she felt like a feather before, the longer Dale held her in that death grip, the heavier she seemed to get.
He laid her gently down on a Layzee Boy and found himself holding his breath and needing air when he was certain she was still sleeping. Dale unfolded the leg rest, and then very delicately began unwinding the duct tape around her legs. This turned out to be a bitch because the duct tape was prone to making offensive scratching sounds as it was unpeeled from its spool.
About an hour later the girl was strapped in the chair in an extended position. Mounds of duct tape secured her arms, legs, torso, hands and feet. He took special care to untie the bandana from her face, knowing that she could suffocate in her sleep if it stayed on there. That special feat gave him a sense of pride for remembering. He already got one point in the game of taking care of her by damn. Though he'd have to figure out how to keep her quiet. Lastly, he strapped down her head using a generous supply of tape.
Now he surveyed his work like a skilled practitioner, his mouth closed, eyes narrowed, and giving short nods of satisfaction. Yes he did do a good job. Both on the tape job, and on the girl. She was adorable. He was imagining what it would be like three years from now, when she had forgotten all about that old shit hole family she had, a fact that Dale would NEVER bring up, and how happy they would look playing in a park, eating hotdogs. He's pushing her on a swing and look at that! At the very end of the pendulum's arc she leaps through the air, legs pointing like arrows in perfect form! She glides through the air and lands on her feet. Both arms reach up into the sky, she beams at Dale saying look what I just did daddy! Then she's running, his little girl is running right at him! She leaps into his arms and oh god how he hugs her, squeezes her, suddenly he notices that her skin is so soft, there's a gleam in her eye, he looks at her mouth
Somebody knocked twice on his front door.
The force of that sound coming from that door made Dale almost scream. The cloudy glaze over his eyes burned away as fast as if Jesus Christ had just now ripped open a hole in the sky and let all of heaven's mighty armies come march on through.
His head jerked up and banged against the corner of a kitchen cabinet that he had been standing near but he barely felt it because panic and paranoia were through the fucking roof ladies and gentlemen. That's right, Dale Ernsted was about to melt into a puddle and seep into the floor.
But he had to do something about the door. He crept slowly, as if the slower he moved the more invisible he would become. At this point he was trying to make himself as flat against the wall as possible so he could peek out the curtains without the intruder noticing. He quickly poked his face into the curtains and looked out the window. There was a man still standing at Dale's door. And the man instantly turned towards Dale and looked him in the eyes.
Dale screamed and put a hand over his mouth.
It was Bren. It was just fucking Bren. He pulled away from the window and noticed he was breathing like he had run a half marathon.
Dale opened the door and there was Bren pissed off as ever before. He didn't ask to come inside but came inside he did, brushing past Dale without saying a word. He stood in Dale's living room, hands on hips, something like concern on his face, and was just standing there gaping at that girl stuck in all that mound of duct tape. He was shaking his head in disbelief. Then Bren turned around and said in whispered tones, "What in fucking Christ is going on here Dale?"
They both walked outside and Dale shut the door.
Inside the trailer the girl remained taped to the Lazee Boy, breathing those deep occasional breaths that are only ever seen in people deep in REM sleep. Then she opened her eyes. If Dale could see those eyes now he would say they looked evil. To Bren, who had a larger vocabulary than Dale, he would say cunning.
In truth she had never been asleep. And although she heard only a little of the conversation between the two ogres that captured her, she knew that Baby Face, as she thought of Dale, believed she was asleep. And for this she thought he must be the dumbest person imaginable. What moron would think anything but a tranquilized rhinoceros was asleep after all that had happened to her.
She played through the sequence of events that led her to this terrible situation. It was an unreal situation. How could this happen to her? But that's not useful, she thinks, it isn't useful to wonder about why, only how and what to do about it.
She took the opportunity while the two trolls were outside to scan as much of the room as possible. Looking for doors, windows, anything that could be used as a weapon. Although she knew she had little chance of using anything but a gun against either of those two guys. They were big and mean looking. But she thought Baby Face probably had a gun, either on him or by his bed, maybe in a closet.
She would have to escape. She knew there was a door in the back, though she couldn't see it, because Baby Face had brought her back there and she could feel the outside air coming in. It seemed to be some kind of extension to the trailer. And when Baby Face had stood on his toes reaching high up to get something off a shelf, she stole a glance and saw that it was some kind of shed that led outside. There were at least two doors. It was going to hurt so bad to take this tape off. She didn't know what to do about that yet. She could barely move any part of her body.
Then she heard one of the men approach the door and the hinge began to squeak open.
Dale poked his head in and stared at her for a good ten seconds. She was still sleeping. Good. Then the door closed.
Her name was Mariana and her eyes were now looking up at the ceiling, lips quivering, trying to hold back the tears from escaping. One did though and it traced a small trail down her cheekbone before it finally fell to the floor. She hoped her cheek would dry before the trolls came back inside.
Chapter 4:
That same morning Bren woke up to a pounding headache that felt like a vein was about to burst from the left side of his head. His bones creaked as he got out of bed and he walked to his refrigerator and pulled out a beer.
He wasn't trying to get drunk, those days were long past him. It was just to get rid of the headache. He had work today. And it was Bren's turn to drive so he was gonna have to waltz over to dumb fuck Dale's house and drag his ass out of bed. Although he wasn't so sure how much stock he put in folk traditions and rules of the game, so to speak, now that his relationship with Dale has been, shall we say, tested.
Although he wasn't as angry as he was just a few hours before while he chewed out Dale for being the stupidest motherfucker he ever laid eyes on, he still felt he should give him an ass pounding after he, Bren, resolved this entire state of affairs. Because it would be Bren, not Dale, who would have to do that. As much as he wished he could abandon Dale and just say fuck it, he was deeply concerned about his own involvement in what transpired the night before, and he was gravely imagining getting fifty years behind bars because of some lunatic he decided to take up a business deal with. Who was the real retard here, Bren thinks in a self deprecating way, who would get into business with someone like Dale?
Never mind all that, he would have to do something about this. He could not allow Dale to go off on his wild fantasies. Bren's chief concern was that Dale would fuck up somehow and land Bren in prison. He was slowly shaking his head back and forth as he sipped his beer, realizing just how deep the sinking sand really went in this case, all the anger he felt the night before came rushing back tenfold as he realized what he would have to do. What he would make Dale do. As punishment.
Meanwhile Baby Face was still sleeping. Mariana heard him snoring. She decided to let herself sleep after he had passed out on the floor near this duct tape prison. She would need her strength and people need to sleep as much as they need to eat was what she convinced herself with to even allow her to try to sleep. It wasn't even a guaranteed deal. Who could sleep during something like this?
But she found that when she closed her eyes and knew that Baby Face was drunk out of his mind, and that meant he would probably be asleep for awhile, then she could sleep. And oh how she drifted down, pulled down just as she was pulled out of that car, with a monster waiting for her at the bottom. A monster that looked like some huge grotesque baby thing that had snot pouring out of its nose like a fire hose held her, its decaying fingernails scraped at her, and it cackled at how amazing she was, licking her back and purring like a cat.
She screamed and then she was back in her car with all her things! Not in a dream, she was actually back in the car and her parents had told her they would pick her up a snickers.
She knew Baby Face was out there. Scrambling up on her elbows she looked for him out the window. He was pumping gas and smoking a cigarette at the same time. What a stupid freak! Yuck! But he was going to come over here. She watched him looking at something over at the entrance, and then his head was turning towards her. She ducked. And then slowly peeked her head up and saw that he was walking over here. He looked like some kind of rodent, like a rat that was sniffing out cheese.
She needed to leave. Mariana grabbed the door handle and shaked at it but it wouldn't open. None of them worked. She was trying to remain calm, kept finding her right hand reaching up and twirling her hair and then stopping herself. She licked her chapped lips. She had an idea.
The door opened and before Baby Face stuffed his stinking head in through the open door, Mariana turned around and asserted herself. She loudly and very clearly said "Dale! Where is your gun?"
The monster stumbled backwards as if shot, and fell slightly to its knee. The way its knees popped back and forth and the way its elbows gesticulated in erratic ways made Mariana think it wasn't even alive. It was some kind of zombie. And when its head rolled back up, and it looked at her, its teeth clacking together like a puppet being pulled up by the strings too quickly, she saw that Baby Face, Rat Baby Face, had long white whiskers and huge front teeth. They were stained with cigarette smoke but they still looked sharp.
It said in a gravelly voice choked with beer and chili, "under my bathroom sink, where I always keep it.", driblets of chili dripped down its white gums, which also held a healthy portion of gooey chewing tobacco. Beer froth dripped out its eyes as it jumped into the car with Mariana and began stroking its long bony fingers through her hair saying all the while in the voice of a corpse "How pretty..how pretty..how pretty". She wanted to puke and get away from it but - then Rat Baby Face opened its mouth and bit into her neck.
Mariana woke up blinking away tears. She swallowed and took in a deep breath through her nose, somewhat rocking back and forth, but otherwise totally immobilized.
That's when she heard Baby Face snoring. That's also when she noticed the bathroom out of the very furthest edge of her peripheral vision.
Mariana knew what she had to do.

TW: mentions weight and BMI numbers, talks about weight gain, suffering while eating, etc.
i had originally posted this in EDAnonymous but was advised to post this here.
Seriously, it's been MONTHS since the last time I remember having a piece of fruit or a vegetable. My diet has been this way my entire life, especially as an adult.
I'm 5'9 and weigh 220 pounds, which is the highest I've ever weighed. My current BMI is 32.5 (obese). I really don't look my weight, though I've always been on the larger side as I come from a bigger German family. When I've told people in the past that I don't eat any fruits or vegetables, I've gotten comments like "what? how are you not HUGE??" and stuff.
Now, as I get older, the weight gain is getting more obvious. I feel it more, too. I've always fluctuated between 190-210, as I sometimes go through periods of time where I avoid food for most of the day when it starts to stress me out. It isn't intentional, but it happens.
My mental health, my motivation, and my energy levels have ALWAYS been lower than everyone else. I'm almost positive it's because I get no nutrition. My diet literally only consists of: a quad latte in the mornings with oatmilk and a TON of nutella, smuckers uncrustables, general tso's frozen chicken entrees but with no sauce (just plain), string cheese, sister schuberts dinner yeast rolls, rotini pasta either plain with butter or vodka sauce, and occasionally fried rice with soy sauce, oil, and eggs. I eat almost nothing else, and eat these things in various large quantities throughout the day. I order EVERYTHING without veggies. No peas or carrots in the fried rice, no chunks of tomato/veggies in the Vodka sauce (i strain it before putting it on my pasta), etc.
I've tried "sneaking" veggies into my food. I can ALWAYS taste the difference. I've tried the Nurture Life meal kit that is supposed to sneak nutrition into meals for children. Nothing works. I lose my entire appetite any time I try to eat something healthier, my mouth gets dry, and I'd literally rather not eat at all. When I try to eat something different than normal, it just tastes awful and feels like pure suffering. I end up eating nothing (not even on purpose, I just continuously "push off" eating) until I cave and buy something from the above list.
I'm going to therapy already, but we mainly focus on other aspects of my life (trust me, I know food is a priority, but there are other priorities too and we HAVE talked about it). I know I should probably go to a nutritionist, but I don't have enough faith in myself to trust that I'd actually eat what they suggest. I've looked at other reddit posts from people asking "how to start eating fruits and veggies?" and "how to get fruit and vegetable nutrients without eating fruits or vegetables" but the replies are always the same; that there's no other real options other than to just eat them. I know that's the truth, but it's just so discouraging.
I don't know, I came here hoping to get some advice and maybe even to hear some success stories from other adults who have conquered this, but I really think I just need to vent in a space where hopefully there are others who understand. It's a basic necessity that is a constant struggle, and I just wish I didn't have to spend so much of my energy towards worrying about food.
Thanks a lot, sending love <3